Why “How Was Your Day?” Isn’t Working, and What to Ask Instead

We’ve all been there. School pick up. You're finally back together after a long day apart and you’re eager to hear about their day, so you ask:

“How was your day?” 

And then… silence. Or maybe a shrug, a muttered “good”, or sometimes nothing at all. Those vague responses can feel frustrating, confusing, and even hurtful. But the truth is, your child isn't ignoring you or shutting you out, they’re just not ready to answer yet. 

Why “How Was Your Day?” Falls Flat

By the time school ends, most kids are running on empty. They’ve spent the whole day thinking, sharing, listening, navigating social moments, moving between activities, and following instructions. They’ve been in ‘exploration mode’ all day, and now, they’re just trying to catch their breath. 

When we ask, “how was your day?”, we’re often unknowingly asking them to go right back into that exploration mode, when what they actually need is:

• A moment of quiet.
• A snack or sip of water.
• To recharge or have fun
• Or even choose a song or two for the drive home.

This isn’t about ignorance or defiance, it's just their need to recharge and feel safe to open up.

What to Say (and When) Instead

It’s okay to delay the conversation

Give your child time to settle. You don’t have to abandon curiosity, just press pause. Connection often happens when pressure isn’t involved. Once they’ve had time to recharge, consider questions that gently invite conversation instead of interrogating.

Instead of asking about their whole day, narrow it down:

• “Hey, how did that art project go today?” 
• It sounded like you were worried about maths class today, how did you find it?”
• “Did anyone make you laugh at lunch today?”

These types of questions feel easier to answer because they're not open-ended and they are localised to real moments your child can recall without effort. 

When Silence Feels Personal

Let’s be honest, sometimes the silence stings.

You’ve missed them all day. You want to know if they’re okay, if anything upset them, if they laughed, if they felt proud. So when you get a flat response, it’s natural to feel disappointed. You might even wonder: “Am I doing something wrong? Why don’t they want to talk to me?”

But here’s the truth: your child’s quiet moments aren’t a reflection of your parenting. They’re not pulling away from you, they’re just moving through their own rhythm of re-entry. The emotional shift from “school mode” to “home mode” can take longer than we expect, especially when the world has been demanding all day.

It’s okay to want connection, that longing comes from love. But often, our greatest gift is not pushing for closeness, but simply making space for it. Being there, consistently and calmly, tells your child: “You don’t have to perform for me. You can just be.”

That’s where trust grows.

Every Child Connects Differently

It’s easy to fall into comparison, especially if you have more than one child.

One might chatter non-stop the moment they hop in the car, while another says nothing at all. One person might want to share every detail of their day, while the other prefers to play or unwind alone. It can leave you wondering: “Why does one open up so easily, while the other never does?”

But connection doesn’t have to look the same for every child, and it often doesn’t. Age, temperament, sensory needs, and even the kind of day they’ve had can all influence how (and when) they’re ready to talk.

It’s not about treating all your kids the same, it’s about meeting each one where they are. The quieter child might connect more deeply through actions or shared activities. The chatty one might process their day through words. Both are valid. Both are beautiful. And both are signs that your relationship is growing in its own way.

Not Every Car Ride Has to Be a Conversation

And that’s more than okay.

Many kids need the car ride home to decompress, not download. That 10 to 15 minute drive home can become a buffer zone where no questions are asked, and no expectations are placed. You can also use this time to prepare. Before you ask the questions, take a moment and ask yourself.

“What is the purpose of this question?” 

• Are you hoping to get information?
• Offer support?
• Just connect and feel close to them?

Understanding your why helps you choose what to say, and when. Your child just needs your presence. And over time, with that foundation, the stories will come.

You’re doing better than you think. You’re showing up, you’re trying new things and you’re here reading this, because you care and that matters deeply.